The funniest and wittiest quotes from Ambrose Bierce’s comic masterpiece, The Devil’s Dictionary
We’ve read the whole of Ambrose Bierce’s wonderful The Devil’s Dictionary and, below, have distilled the book into 25 of the very best entries in this classic lexicon. The only stipulation we set ourselves was that the quotes we selected had to be short and pithy – preferably no longer than one sentence – to ensure maximum quotability. We hope you enjoy our selection.
Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.
Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
Clairvoyant, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron – namely, that he is a blockhead.
Comfort, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor’s uneasiness.
Consult, v. To seek another’s approval of a course already decided on.
Coward, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Dentist, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.
Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.
Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
History, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.
Lawyer, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
Lecturer, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.
Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.
Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
November, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.
Once, adj. Enough.
Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.
Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.
Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.
Self-evident, adj. Evident to one’s self and to nobody else.
Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.